A Cup of Coffee, You, and Me

A cup of coffee is how you start the day.
Hot cappuccino, no sugar.
Sometimes accompanied by toast,
but mostly is drunk in a rush.
Albeit for just a second, you never forget to say thank you with a little smile on the side.

And then come the lunch time,
I wonder what are you having for today's lunch?
Is it your favourite burger? Or that salad wrap I recommended few days ago?
Whatever it is, I hope you savour it.
Oh! A little reminder,
your daily dose of caffeine has not been met yet.
One iced Americano, Grande, extra shot -- is exactly what you need.
Though I often nag you about having too much coffee in a day,
you always say that you would turn into a grumpy monster without them.

I once asked you,
"Would you rather lose me or unable to drink coffee forever?"
You laughed, for that question was so absurd and rather silly.
But still you answered,
"How would I choose one when I couldn't even live without both?"
I responded by throwing the cushion at you jokingly,
pretending to be annoyed by that classic answer,
but couldn't bury the spark of joy upon hearing it.

I am grateful for how you love me like you love your coffee.
Me with all the doom and gloom,
the warm me, and the suddenly cold me.
I wish you would keep loving me the way you love your coffee.
Bitter, yet you still enjoy it till the end.

The Most Beautiful Goodbye

As I grow up, I find the sentence "I would die for you" very selfish. By saying that you literally want to sacrifice yourself for the sake of your loved ones, it also implies that you don't really think about the impact of your absence in their life. Why don't you imagine how broken they would be if you were gone? Moreover, if they were the cause of your passing. Dying for your loved ones is not cool, so please try harder to live rather than giving up so easily on your own life.

Many of us may be saying that our greatest fear is losing someone that we love, mostly our family. I used to think like that. But after being forced to face my 'greatest fear', I started thinking, "Is this fear because of love or because I don't want to get hurt?"

When my mother was diagnosed with late stage cancer one year ago, this thought kept haunting me. I knew that I would lose her someday, and that day would probably come faster than what I used to think. But then, why would I be afraid of losing her? If I really love her, wasn't I suppose to wish her only the best? Yes, losing a family member will always be the worst thing that can happen to me, but should I be afraid of it? The more I think about it, the more I feel that this is not fear. On one side, I was indeed afraid of what I would be without my mother's presence. But on the other side, I realized that love wouldn't bring you fear. True love will give you strength.

During the last few months before my mother's demise, I prepared myself for the worst everyday. My life motto has always been "Everything happened only within God's plan", and that was what I kept saying to myself. I might not be ready, but that was the best thing that could happen to me and our family. I found myself feeling relieved and willing to let God take care of my mother. Watching her suffering was definitely very painful. I know she was struggling, I know she didn't want to give up on us, but in the end we had to let go.

What surprised me the most was the fact that it wasn't that painful when I knew she was gone. I thank God because He gave me time to be prepared. I thank God because He gave me time to be there for my mother during her last moments. It didn't hurt that much, but I did feel some kind of emptiness, even until now and may be forever. As what I stated in this post's title, the kind of farewell that I had with my mother is indeed a very beautiful goodbye. The kind that both parties actually wanted and be thankful for. Now that it has happened, I couldn't imagine a better farewell than that. Ever since I found out that my mother was battling with cancer, there was no single day passed without me thinking about how she would die. I kept regretting my decision to accept that job offer when I already knew what she had to go through. I always felt anxious everytime I heard that her condition worsen. I kept being scared of the scenario where she passed away and I wasn't there to be with her. Today, everytime I miss my mother and think about why God would call her so soon, I kept reminding myself that maybe if God had had given her more time, then I might not be able to be by her side. I might have had to receive that call from my father, asking me to go home. And I would have felt terrible since instead of being there, I were busy working a job I didn't even like that much.

However, this is the part where I tell you why our God is so great. Who could predict that 2020 will be the year when a pandemic hits the world? My fear and my hate towards the virus became a gratitude because without this whole pandemic situation, I wouldn't be able to accompany my mother during her last moments on earth. As dreadful as it is, coronavirus was the curse that break the possibility of me not being able to fulfill my last duty towards my mother.

For you who are suffering from the pain of losing someone you love, I know it is hard and extremely painful. And who knows, that pain may never be gone. But, please keep this in mind, that farewell just had to happen for whatever reasons that is not your fault. In the end, I want to share with you my magic spell that help to subside the pain, the sentence that has been etched to my mind,

God is good all the time,

and all the time God is good.

In Pain

For every goodbyes that I said,
a little piece of my heart went along with them
No matter how good the reason was,
I still couldn't stop myself from hurting

Though I think by now I have learned the art of moving on
How can the wound still sting?
Because not everything that is broken can be fixed,
not all that hurt can be healed
And for each scars, my heart just shut even tighter
trying to protect if from breaking even more
But then, can one feel pain where there's nothing left to hurt?
Isn't my heart shattered already?

Dear Me

Dear me,
How is life these days?
It's hard, isn't it?
Even though you feel like breaking down,
please bear it a little bit longer.
I promise I'll get you out of there in no time.

Whenever you are about to give up,
think of why you were here at the first time.
Your mom and dad reminding you non-stop to eat more,
your little brother who can do nothing without asking you,
your dear friends who would curse at you for not replying their messages.
Since they are the only things worth the suffering.

Hey,
If you just remember last night,
when you ate that delicious greasy fried chicken while watching your favourite series,
isn't life so beautiful?
If you just recollect those memories,
when you won that drawing competition,
you graduated, got your first job, your first commission...
Wow.
What is it to be ungrateful for?

Dear me,
Forgive me for letting you fight all alone.
Forgive me for not loving you enough.
Now is my turn to help you.
You can trust me, right?

Suatu Malam

Sama seperti malam berganti pagi,
hujan badai mendahului pelangi,
begitulah setiap masalah memiliki solusi.
Setidaknya itu yang selalu kudengar.

Namun, bagaimana jika pagi tidak memberikan jawaban?
Dan pelangi tidak menghadirkan kebahagiaan?
Apakah benar semua perkara ada jalan keluarnya?

Seperti semua cerita pasti memiliki akhir,
bagaimana kisah ini akan berakhir?
Apakah bahagia? Apakah sedih?
Ataukah hanya menunggu waktu sampai semua orang lupa?

Seperti malam yang aku rasa tak akan pernah kulupakan itu.
Malam di mana aku merasakan bahwa tidak semua masalah memiliki jalan keluar,
dan tidak semua cerita memiliki akhir.
Setidaknya itu yang aku pikir.

Meskipun cerita itu telah lama terkubur,
dan waktu perlahan membuatku melupakannya,
satu pertanyaan yang akan selamanya tidak pernah terjawab,
"Apakah dia merasakan yang sama?"

Indonesia Merdeka!

Tanggal 17 Agustus 2018, rakyat Indonesia merayakan 73 tahun kemerdekaannya. Berbagai perayaan terjadi, mulai dari upacara, lomba-lomba, pawai, hingga konser kemerdekaan. Selain itu, media sosial juga ramai dengan foto-foto ber-caption nasionalis. Hari ini adalah hari di mana orang yang sehari-harinya memuji dan memuja negara sebelah mendadak mengelu-elukan patriotisme. Hari di mana orang yang gemar mengkritik pemerintah semakin heboh mempertanyakan kemerdekaan. Apakah setelah 73 tahun Indonesia benar-benar merdeka? Ataukah kemerdekaan ini hanyalah status quo?

Beberapa tahun yang lalu, aku pernah menulis tentang kemerdekaan Indonesia (yang penasaran boleh klik di sini). Di post tersebut, aku menulis bahwa Indonesia belum lepas dari penjajahan rakyatnya. Sudah 4 tahun berlalu, tetapi menurutku opini tersebut masih valid. Indonesia (masih) dijajah oleh rakyatnya sendiri. Bertahun-tahun banyak orang menuntut kemerdekaan yang sesungguhnya. Mereka menuntut pendidikan yang merata, kesejahteraan rakyat, keadilan hukum, dan masih banyak lagi. Setiap tahun masalah yang timbul selalu sama. Apakah pemerintah hanya diam saja? Tentu tidak. Pemerintah sudah bekerja keras untuk memenuhi tuntutan rakyat. Namun, tentu saja usaha sekeras apapun tidak akan dihargai apabila tidak ada hasil yang fantastis.

Ketika masyarakat menuntut pemerataan pendidikan, pemerintah menawarkan program wajib belajar 12 tahun. Tujuannya tentu untuk meningkatkan kualitas masyarakat. Sayangnya, muncul berbagai masalah, mulai dari banyaknya sekolah yang kekurangan dana dan kekurangan guru. Lantas apa yang dilakukan oleh rakyat Indonesia? Apalagi kalau bukan mengkritik pemerintah. Ketika pemerintah membutuhkan pasokan guru untuk mengajar di pedalaman, rakyat justru berbondong-bondong pergi ke kota dan mencari pekerjaan kantoran. Ketika masyarakat menuntut kesejahteraan dan kemakmuran, pemerintah berusaha membujuk warga agar mau bertransmigrasi ke daerah yang penduduknya lebih sedikit. Sayangnya, rakyat bersikeras tinggal di kota besar karena ekonomi desa susah 'katanya'. Kalau begini terus bagaimana Indonesia mau merdeka seperti keinginan kalian?

Terkadang, sebagian orang terlalu fokus mengkritik karena mereka sudah terlanjur memiliki doktrin bahwa Indonesia bermasalah dan pemerintahnya korup. Mungkin dilihat dari beberapa statistik, Indonesia memang memiliki rekor yang cukup memprihatinkan. Namun, sisi positifnya adalah Indonesia bukanlah yang terburuk dan masih memiliki potensi yang sangat besar untuk berkembang. Masalahnya, siapa yang bisa membantu Indonesia untuk semakin maju? Apakah pemerintah yang mungkin hanya 0.01% dari total penduduk harus bertanggung jawab? Jika kita sebagai warga negara yang baik ingin membantu Indonesia untuk menjadi lebih baik, bagaimana jika dimulai dengan mempercayai pemerintah kita?

Memang tidak bisa dipungkiri bahwa masih banyak cela dalam pemerintahan kita, tetapi kita harus percaya bahwa pasti ada orang-orang yang memang tulus ingin memajukan Indonesia di sana. Daripada kita sibuk mengkritik pemerintah yang belum tentu mendengarkan, lebih baik kita yang mulai berusaha untuk mengharumkan nama Indonesia. Karena ketika kita berlebihan dalam mengkritik ataupun menjelekkan pemerintah, maka hal ini bisa jadi mempengaruhi pemikiran orang lain sehingga mereka tidak lagi percaya pada kebijakan pemerintah. Bukankah lebih menyenangkan bila kita mengisi kemerdekaan dengan hal-hal yang menyenangkan negeri ini? Belajar dan bekerja dengan tekun, mematuhi Undang-Undang, taat membayar pajak, dan saling menghormati antarwarga. Kira-kira butuh berapa tahun sampai rakyat Indonesia puas dan merasa merdeka? Sampai kapan kita mau menjajah bangsa kita sendiri?

Academic vs. Non-Academic

As students, it is our duty to study and get good grades (or maybe just pass). But as human beings, socialization is our need. Sometimes we struggle to maintain our grades while keeping our social life on track. And it's become our eternal burden to keep the academic and social life balanced. In this post, I want to share my way of balancing the academic and non-academic life as a student. It might not apply to your personality or condition, but still, I hope that my story can enlighten you a little :)

Everybody gets their own ways balancing study and social life, and so do I. For me, I chose organization as a part of my social life. I'm not saying that it's the best option, but it is indeed an option you should consider if you feel that you need to improve your intrapersonal and interpersonal skills -- or in a much simpler way: if you are not ready for the real world. Just so you know, for the past 20 years of my life, I have always been questioning my capabilities and characters. And I thought maybe joining organizations can help me improve myself. So, how exactly do those organization experiences change my life?

First of all, I was born a 100% introvert and shy person. What a perfect combination right? I don't really like interacting with people and is not brave enough to approach somebody. As a result, I have very few friends from elementary school. My parents were so worried because I was so silent and anti-social that they took me to a psychologist. I didn't know if the therapy did work though. What's certain was that my social life got better in junior high. I did join OSIS (student organization) in junior high, but it didn't really affect my social life in my opinion. Yes, I got some good friends because of OSIS, but that's it. The most memorable moment of my junior high was when I joined the school band. Since our main topic is not about the band, I'll just say that being in the school band helped me a lot in improving my self-esteem and social skill. But my interest in school organization grew since then because I felt that I might get to learn some skills that benefit me in the long run from joining an organization. This surely was a turning point for the old shy-and-over-introverted-me.

In the high school, my social skill has got better and I didn't really struggle to get new friends. Although I tend to keep my inner circle small, I've got quite lots of acquaintances. This time, I joined OSIS again, hoping to improve my soft-skills. My high school life pretty much was filled with studying and lots of committees. It was undoubtedly tiring and time-consuming, but I enjoyed it so much! And I was definitely well-equipped with some essential soft-skills needed for my future, like public speaking, presentation, and event-organizing skills, also some lobbying stuff. Somehow, after all those high school organization experiences, I felt like I was actually better than who I thought I was. And that I am capable of something bigger. Do you know that feeling? When you feel like you actually deserve to be the main character of your life, that you are more than just the sidekick. Maybe this tips can be useful for you if you ever feel small or incompetent: try to improve yourself, learn something new, practice more, and always aim to be the better version of yourself EVERYDAY.

Now, in the university, I've got my self-esteem and skills. So what? Am I a cool kid now? Well, I think 'being cool' is just not for everyone. I still don't like to socialize that much. Then, I knew that being in an organization is just my thing, something like a hobby. Again, I found myself signing up for the university student association for two years. Throughout those years, my critical thinking skill surely improved a lot. I learned so much about conceptual thinking, troubleshooting, and decision making. Besides, I acquired more knowledge about people and myself. I can see myself getting better at building new relationships as well as controlling my thoughts.

Actually, that self-improvement stuff is not the best thing that you can get from an organization. I am happy that I can be a better person after joining so many organizations. But, besides that, the memories that remained are way more valuable. I think most of the school/university student association encompasses kinship and strong bond between its members. And that's exactly what I felt throughout my organization journey. I knew that there were people who through the same struggle with me and that kind of relieving knowing that you are not alone, right? Knowing that you always got somebody to back you up, or at least to cry and cheer together. I can't deny that as a social creature, I need that kind of support in my life. I can say that those people are the ones who keep me sane throughout the past years.

At this point, you should know that I chose organization as a part of my social life because I like it and I surely got the most out of it. Is an organization experience worth more than real job experience, such as part-time? Of course not. Both of them could mold you into a better person, but that depends solely on yourself. The point is, choose activities that upgrade your old incompetent and inexperienced self. I also want to remind you not to blame anyone or anything, but you. There's no excuse to keep your weakness because the real world doesn't care about it. You know that humans are capable of many crazy and amazing things, right? This part is especially dedicated to you who think that introverts and socially-awkward people are damned. You can change yourself because I can.

To end this long and soon-to-be-boring post, I'm going to wrap things up. First, academic and social life are both VERY IMPORTANT. And you should find a way to balance them. There are plenty of options you can choose, either the "conventional" organization or the "fun" real job. Let's get down to the nitty-gritty: find activities that improve you - either in character or skills - but always be eager to be a better person. And another warning, don't let all these "be a better person" stuffs stress you out, rather find the one that makes you happy and enjoy your life more. Because YOU deserve to be happy ;)