The Most Beautiful Goodbye

As I grow up, I find the sentence "I would die for you" very selfish. By saying that you literally want to sacrifice yourself for the sake of your loved ones, it also implies that you don't really think about the impact of your absence in their life. Why don't you imagine how broken they would be if you were gone? Moreover, if they were the cause of your passing. Dying for your loved ones is not cool, so please try harder to live rather than giving up so easily on your own life.

Many of us may be saying that our greatest fear is losing someone that we love, mostly our family. I used to think like that. But after being forced to face my 'greatest fear', I started thinking, "Is this fear because of love or because I don't want to get hurt?"

When my mother was diagnosed with late stage cancer one year ago, this thought kept haunting me. I knew that I would lose her someday, and that day would probably come faster than what I used to think. But then, why would I be afraid of losing her? If I really love her, wasn't I suppose to wish her only the best? Yes, losing a family member will always be the worst thing that can happen to me, but should I be afraid of it? The more I think about it, the more I feel that this is not fear. On one side, I was indeed afraid of what I would be without my mother's presence. But on the other side, I realized that love wouldn't bring you fear. True love will give you strength.

During the last few months before my mother's demise, I prepared myself for the worst everyday. My life motto has always been "Everything happened only within God's plan", and that was what I kept saying to myself. I might not be ready, but that was the best thing that could happen to me and our family. I found myself feeling relieved and willing to let God take care of my mother. Watching her suffering was definitely very painful. I know she was struggling, I know she didn't want to give up on us, but in the end we had to let go.

What surprised me the most was the fact that it wasn't that painful when I knew she was gone. I thank God because He gave me time to be prepared. I thank God because He gave me time to be there for my mother during her last moments. It didn't hurt that much, but I did feel some kind of emptiness, even until now and may be forever. As what I stated in this post's title, the kind of farewell that I had with my mother is indeed a very beautiful goodbye. The kind that both parties actually wanted and be thankful for. Now that it has happened, I couldn't imagine a better farewell than that. Ever since I found out that my mother was battling with cancer, there was no single day passed without me thinking about how she would die. I kept regretting my decision to accept that job offer when I already knew what she had to go through. I always felt anxious everytime I heard that her condition worsen. I kept being scared of the scenario where she passed away and I wasn't there to be with her. Today, everytime I miss my mother and think about why God would call her so soon, I kept reminding myself that maybe if God had had given her more time, then I might not be able to be by her side. I might have had to receive that call from my father, asking me to go home. And I would have felt terrible since instead of being there, I were busy working a job I didn't even like that much.

However, this is the part where I tell you why our God is so great. Who could predict that 2020 will be the year when a pandemic hits the world? My fear and my hate towards the virus became a gratitude because without this whole pandemic situation, I wouldn't be able to accompany my mother during her last moments on earth. As dreadful as it is, coronavirus was the curse that break the possibility of me not being able to fulfill my last duty towards my mother.

For you who are suffering from the pain of losing someone you love, I know it is hard and extremely painful. And who knows, that pain may never be gone. But, please keep this in mind, that farewell just had to happen for whatever reasons that is not your fault. In the end, I want to share with you my magic spell that help to subside the pain, the sentence that has been etched to my mind,

God is good all the time,

and all the time God is good.